Sometimes I just sit in my room and stare at my wall. My mind is blank and I get lost. There's this big black hole in my life I have been trying to fill since a very long time now. I don't even know what to do in order to fill it or make it disappear.
I read somewhere that pain changes people. I keep wondering whether it changed me. A very long time ago I was this fierce, bold, confident and independent woman. I thought I had everything in me to overcome the world. Now when I look into the mirror, all I see is a very low self esteemed woman who is not even sure whether to get out of the bed every morning.Everyday I think I'll be different from tomorrow. But when tomorrow becomes today, I realise that nothing has changed and I'm still the same.
The worst feeling in all this agony is when I learnt how to hide my pain. I have mastered in the art of faking it. The people around me started believing that I'm the most optimistic and happiest person they have ever seen. I can't stop smiling when I'm around people. I guess maybe because I always wanted to make others happy around me no matter how hard my life is.
I think I have lost all hopes now. Hopes for a better tomorrow. My mom keeps asking me to start praying. She thinks I have all these problems because I don't pray. What I'm unable to tell her is how do I pray when I don't think I'm worthy enough to be heard.
It feels like a faraway dream that someday I'll write a post here telling you that I prayed and I was heard and things are better now. Maybe someday.
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